Fake it ‘Till You Make it

My friend had a baby today! A beautiful baby girl! Now I know what you’re thinking…I was probably happy for her but sad for myself…well, I wish I could say that I’m above it, but that’s exactly how I feel. Actually, I’ve felt progressively worse all day long. I didn’t think I would react this way.

I love my friend, she is the sweetest person I know. And trust me, I am over the moon excited for her. And this is how I’ve felt throughout her entire pregnancy. But something very strange happened today. The minute after I got the call that the baby had arrived, I suddenly felt this wave of panic come over me. And all I could think about was how scared I am that I will never be able to carry and deliver a baby of my own. This is very out of character for me…throughout this whole process I think I’ve been pretty darn optimistic. But the reality hit me really hard today. I lost something, the most important thing that I’d ever had. And I can’t help but be scared that it will happen again.

On my good days, I feel so on top of the world. Yes we will get pregnant again. Yes we will have a healthy baby. Yes I will look back on what we’ve been through and feel so blessed for how far we’ve come.

On my bad days, it takes all of my energy not to burst into tears every time I hear a song with the word “baby” in it. If I really sit and think about my situation, I can cry for hours. And I hate it. Because this isn’t me. I don’t want to be bitter or jealous, I want to be able to see the good things that will come my way. But, wow is it hard sometimes. Harder than I ever thought it would be. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. And I will keep that to myself, because I don’t want this to become a habit. So…this is my mantra:

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

Maybe if I say it enough, it will sink in. Ugh, I hope tomorrow is a better day and I can get out of this funk. Just call me Debbie Downer!

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