Category Archives: Trying

Fake it ‘Till You Make it

My friend had a baby today! A beautiful baby girl! Now I know what you’re thinking…I was probably happy for her but sad for myself…well, I wish I could say that I’m above it, but that’s exactly how I feel. Actually, I’ve felt progressively worse all day long. I didn’t think I would react this way.

I love my friend, she is the sweetest person I know. And trust me, I am over the moon excited for her. And this is how I’ve felt throughout her entire pregnancy. But something very strange happened today. The minute after I got the call that the baby had arrived, I suddenly felt this wave of panic come over me. And all I could think about was how scared I am that I will never be able to carry and deliver a baby of my own. This is very out of character for me…throughout this whole process I think I’ve been pretty darn optimistic. But the reality hit me really hard today. I lost something, the most important thing that I’d ever had. And I can’t help but be scared that it will happen again.

On my good days, I feel so on top of the world. Yes we will get pregnant again. Yes we will have a healthy baby. Yes I will look back on what we’ve been through and feel so blessed for how far we’ve come.

On my bad days, it takes all of my energy not to burst into tears every time I hear a song with the word “baby” in it. If I really sit and think about my situation, I can cry for hours. And I hate it. Because this isn’t me. I don’t want to be bitter or jealous, I want to be able to see the good things that will come my way. But, wow is it hard sometimes. Harder than I ever thought it would be. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. And I will keep that to myself, because I don’t want this to become a habit. So…this is my mantra:

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

Maybe if I say it enough, it will sink in. Ugh, I hope tomorrow is a better day and I can get out of this funk. Just call me Debbie Downer!

Do Angels Exist?

Let me start by saying that I am not a particularly religious person. I was brought up Presbyterian and my husband is Catholic…but I must admit the last time we were in church was the week before our outdoor wedding.

When I was told I needed to have the d&c, the surgery scheduler called my cell phone and said “is this Kathryn?” I said, “Yes, this is she.” The woman on the phone said “is this Katy??” I said yes, wondering how this person knew to call me Katy. Welp, then the woman says “Honey, it’s Linda, Megan’s mom…I am so sorry.” That’s right, out of the entire hospital, my close friend’s mother called me to schedule my procedure. At first I was taken aback…Megan knew what had happened, but she was one of the select few. Her mom asked me if I wanted to speak with someone else, but I immediately said no. I would rather have talked to someone who knows me and cares about me.

Fast forward to the day of the surgery, the day after my phone call with Linda. As I sat waiting to go into the operating room, Linda came by to see me. I had been doing such a great job of holding it together, but seeing a familiar, concerned face just made me start crying my eyes out. She is so motherly and comforting…and I really appreciated her staying with me. She held my hand as they gave me anesthesia, and stayed until I fell asleep.

When I woke up in recovery, Linda was there. She said to me “My mom had a miscarriage before she had me, and she was so sad. But she has an angel watching over her, and she finds great comfort in that.” I nodded, trying to keep my composure. She then said to me “When I was pregnant with my girls, I said a novena every morning for nine straight days, praying that everything would be ok.”

This weekend, I was out with Megan, Linda’s daughter, and she slipped me an envelope with my name on it. When I got home and opened it, I saw that it was the novena that Linda had told me about. So, I figured it was worth a try. This morning I said the novena out loud (I don’t really know the rules…) I am sure that a strong sense of faith helps people through difficult times like this. And I am not going to scoff at that. There must be something to believing that this was God’s will. It wouldn’t hurt to pray on this…and see where it takes me. It’s worth a shot. So here’s the novena, if nothing else, I think it’s beautifully written, and the thoughtfulness of the person who gave it to me will never be forgotten.

Oh St. Joseph whose protection is so great, strong and prompt before the throne of God I place before you all my desires and concerns (insert desires and concerns)

Please St. Joseph do assist me with your powerful intercession and obtain for me through your divine son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Oh St. Joseph I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while he reposes near your heart.

Praise him in my name and kiss his fine head for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath. Pray for me.

The Bridesmaid Dress Dilemma

I am in two weddings this summer…one in June (would have been 7 months preggs) and one in July (would have been 8 months preggs).  Anyone who’s ever been in a wedding knows that you need to order your bridesmaid dress a million months before the wedding.  The July wedding required that I order my dress by the end of December.  I thought to myself…how pregnant will I look at 8 months pregnant?  How big will my bbs get?  Will I look like a beached whale or a celebrity mom?  I called the bridal shop and they suggested that I order a size 16 “just in case”.  I mean, I’m usually a size 2 or 4 in regular clothes…but I agreed, not having any clue what my body would look like by then.

I wasn’t able to change the order after I found out the news, the dresses had already been ordered…so I am hoping and praying that I find an amazing seamstress so I don’t  look ridiculous.  Either find a good seamstress, or stuff my face with pizza and pasta and cancel my gym membership.  Hmm….now I have some thinking to do…