Still On the Right Track

So, I went for my followup appointment with my doctor this past Wednesday.  She said I have healed nicely and she suggested that I wait a couple of months before trying again.  Just to be sure my lining has had a chance to build up again.  The next day, Thursday, I got my period!  Exactly 28 days after I had the d&c.  Great news!  I was so worried that my body would be out of whack after my miscarriage, and all the progress I had made might be lost.  This period is a lot heavier and my cramps are much worse, but I am so thrilled that I’m still on track.  Frank went in for his sperm test on Friday, so hopefully we get the results next week.  I just pray that his little swimmers are healthy and strong…

We’re going to sit this month out and just relax….next month we will be at it again!  Next month I will start on the Clomid.  I’m feeling optimistic.  I’m going to take this month to eat as healthy as possible and exercise as much as I can.  I want my body to be ready.



Fake it ‘Till You Make it

My friend had a baby today! A beautiful baby girl! Now I know what you’re thinking…I was probably happy for her but sad for myself…well, I wish I could say that I’m above it, but that’s exactly how I feel. Actually, I’ve felt progressively worse all day long. I didn’t think I would react this way.

I love my friend, she is the sweetest person I know. And trust me, I am over the moon excited for her. And this is how I’ve felt throughout her entire pregnancy. But something very strange happened today. The minute after I got the call that the baby had arrived, I suddenly felt this wave of panic come over me. And all I could think about was how scared I am that I will never be able to carry and deliver a baby of my own. This is very out of character for me…throughout this whole process I think I’ve been pretty darn optimistic. But the reality hit me really hard today. I lost something, the most important thing that I’d ever had. And I can’t help but be scared that it will happen again.

On my good days, I feel so on top of the world. Yes we will get pregnant again. Yes we will have a healthy baby. Yes I will look back on what we’ve been through and feel so blessed for how far we’ve come.

On my bad days, it takes all of my energy not to burst into tears every time I hear a song with the word “baby” in it. If I really sit and think about my situation, I can cry for hours. And I hate it. Because this isn’t me. I don’t want to be bitter or jealous, I want to be able to see the good things that will come my way. But, wow is it hard sometimes. Harder than I ever thought it would be. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a while. And I will keep that to myself, because I don’t want this to become a habit. So…this is my mantra:

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

I will not feel sorry for myself

Maybe if I say it enough, it will sink in. Ugh, I hope tomorrow is a better day and I can get out of this funk. Just call me Debbie Downer!

Do Angels Exist?

Let me start by saying that I am not a particularly religious person. I was brought up Presbyterian and my husband is Catholic…but I must admit the last time we were in church was the week before our outdoor wedding.

When I was told I needed to have the d&c, the surgery scheduler called my cell phone and said “is this Kathryn?” I said, “Yes, this is she.” The woman on the phone said “is this Katy??” I said yes, wondering how this person knew to call me Katy. Welp, then the woman says “Honey, it’s Linda, Megan’s mom…I am so sorry.” That’s right, out of the entire hospital, my close friend’s mother called me to schedule my procedure. At first I was taken aback…Megan knew what had happened, but she was one of the select few. Her mom asked me if I wanted to speak with someone else, but I immediately said no. I would rather have talked to someone who knows me and cares about me.

Fast forward to the day of the surgery, the day after my phone call with Linda. As I sat waiting to go into the operating room, Linda came by to see me. I had been doing such a great job of holding it together, but seeing a familiar, concerned face just made me start crying my eyes out. She is so motherly and comforting…and I really appreciated her staying with me. She held my hand as they gave me anesthesia, and stayed until I fell asleep.

When I woke up in recovery, Linda was there. She said to me “My mom had a miscarriage before she had me, and she was so sad. But she has an angel watching over her, and she finds great comfort in that.” I nodded, trying to keep my composure. She then said to me “When I was pregnant with my girls, I said a novena every morning for nine straight days, praying that everything would be ok.”

This weekend, I was out with Megan, Linda’s daughter, and she slipped me an envelope with my name on it. When I got home and opened it, I saw that it was the novena that Linda had told me about. So, I figured it was worth a try. This morning I said the novena out loud (I don’t really know the rules…) I am sure that a strong sense of faith helps people through difficult times like this. And I am not going to scoff at that. There must be something to believing that this was God’s will. It wouldn’t hurt to pray on this…and see where it takes me. It’s worth a shot. So here’s the novena, if nothing else, I think it’s beautifully written, and the thoughtfulness of the person who gave it to me will never be forgotten.

Oh St. Joseph whose protection is so great, strong and prompt before the throne of God I place before you all my desires and concerns (insert desires and concerns)

Please St. Joseph do assist me with your powerful intercession and obtain for me through your divine son all spiritual blessings through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Oh St. Joseph I never weary contemplating you and Jesus asleep in your arms. I dare not approach while he reposes near your heart.

Praise him in my name and kiss his fine head for me and ask him to return the kiss when I draw my dying breath. Pray for me.

The Bridesmaid Dress Dilemma

I am in two weddings this summer…one in June (would have been 7 months preggs) and one in July (would have been 8 months preggs).  Anyone who’s ever been in a wedding knows that you need to order your bridesmaid dress a million months before the wedding.  The July wedding required that I order my dress by the end of December.  I thought to myself…how pregnant will I look at 8 months pregnant?  How big will my bbs get?  Will I look like a beached whale or a celebrity mom?  I called the bridal shop and they suggested that I order a size 16 “just in case”.  I mean, I’m usually a size 2 or 4 in regular clothes…but I agreed, not having any clue what my body would look like by then.

I wasn’t able to change the order after I found out the news, the dresses had already been ordered…so I am hoping and praying that I find an amazing seamstress so I don’t  look ridiculous.  Either find a good seamstress, or stuff my face with pizza and pasta and cancel my gym membership.  Hmm….now I have some thinking to do…

D & C…a.k.a. Dusting & Cleaning

Well, my surgery was on Thursday to clean out my uterus.  To say that I was nervous would be a major understatement.  I had never been a patient in a hospital in my life.  Yes, I’m lucky, but it also means I had no idea what to expect.  Add in the emotional part of this procedure, and you can imagine how Frank and I were feeling.  I went to the hospital, trying my best not to think about what was about to happen.  There was nothing I could do to change it, I had to suck it up.  I won’t give you every detail, but the procedure was quick and the physical pain afterwards was very tolerable.  The staff was very sensitive to what we were going through which made it less embarrassing when I had to turn my head and cry throughout the day.

When we got home from the procedure, I put the baby books back on the shelf so they weren’t strewn across my house, little constant reminders that I don’t need them anymore.  Well at least not at the moment.  Frank and I are rational people (well, Frank is) and we are able to see the upside of this very difficult time.  We got pregnant!  I mean, if you count the chemical pregnancy, we got pregnant the only two times we were ever able to.  So clearly we can do this.  We just have to be patient.  We are thankful that my body realized that something wasn’t right with this pregnancy, and let it go.  It would have been much harder if I had carried longer, only to find out that the baby wasn’t going to make it.  We also think this experience will ultimately make us better parents.  We are already very aware of how fragile life is, and we are ready to cherish and embrace every part of our next pregnancy.

Having said that, there is no way to pretend that this hasn’t changed us.  Next time, I know I will be very guarded, although I know it’s not right.  And our big dreams and plans are postponed.  The bottom line is, we made something.  Together.  We saw a tiny heart beating, and immediately loved him/her.  And now it’s gone.  Just gone.

But we will get through this…we are very strong, and we will do whatever it takes to have our family that I know we will have.  Michelle (fertility specialist) told us that within 30 days I should get my period.  We can start trying after that.  So now, I will look to the future, and work on my positive energy.  Michelle also said that this time around, I can go on Clomid as well as Metformin because Clomid helps with egg quality.  Also, she wants Frank to go in for a semen analysis within the next two weeks, and I will do a little bit of chromosomal testing to make sure things are okay on my end.  Michelle isn’t anticipating problems, this isn’t a repeat miscarriage for me, but just to ease our minds, we are going to take whatever tests we can….